ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
