well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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