i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
