I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
