So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
