Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
