Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
