clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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