If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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