If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
