That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
