If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Who put my cat in the fridge?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
