New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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