its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
