ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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