You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
