I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
two words...techno handjob
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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