so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
