your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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