I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize