Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
