I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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