i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
