They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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