You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize