i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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