I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
