i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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