What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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