there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
