I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
