if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I still have a little drunk in my system
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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