You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just pee around me
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
