There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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