I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
