I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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