the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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