I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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