If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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