Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize