Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
