If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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