she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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