did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
