You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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