Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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