How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
