I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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