Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
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