my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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