she woke up with a sticky ear
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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