Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
