the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
