You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
