I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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