I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
