This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
