I've blown a few things in my day
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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