i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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