I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
