at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
