he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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