I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
