your parents love me but you hate me
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
