I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
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