My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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